Mop-Up RAW 04.16.01
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
For a change of pace....
WHEN WRESTLINERS GET OFFENDED
Hyatte, I decided to check up on Wrestleline again and see if they had anything decent. Aside from CRZ and the occasional retro rant... no. I wrote an e-mail to one of their superstars (I'm not sure who he is, he writes Hitting the Street), the text of that follows:
Hey dude - how about not using big words like "emanating," "cronie" and "triumvirate" until you know a) how to spell them and/or b) how to use them. Your poor grammar reflects negatively on your website and the city you endorse (one I also hail from). I just hope you're not getting paid for your work on Wrestleline, because there's plenty of better thinkers and writers out there struggling to find work. But, you do write regularly, and you're consistent in your style and ideas, which I'm sure your bosses and readers respect.
**He, being such a friendly guy, responded as such:
They don't pay me to spell, they pay me to give you something to read. When I need my column graded, I'll go find a teacher to check my errors. This is WrestleLine, not Webster's. I also love the attempted compliment.
Dave
PS. I am actually embarrassed over the spelling, but you should be equally embarrassed for spending part of your day emailing me over it.
**I, finding him to be an asswipe, responded:
I don't think I should be embarrassed for taking five minutes to help a fellow writer improve his work.
**Nothing real exciting here, just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the times you've responded to me as just a fellow fan, while the (apparently paid) chumps at Wrestleline tend to be douchebags.
SCOTT HOLLAND: STHOLLAN@coe.edu
So, either OTHER WL writers get paid while CRZ doesn't. OR This Dave douche is a liar. OR CRZ is lied to me. OR This Dave douche is "Downtown Dave", who runs WL and gets paid to do it. All this really means is that Scaia's an asshole.
If YOU have flame mails from these people, send them to me. Maybe I can get some mileage out of them.... at least maybe a big Closer. Just please, no Bob Ryder mail. Bob's famous for telling people to "F**K off".
Oh, I'm Chris. Of course, I've flamed a few kids here and there.... but only when I'm either very drunk, or they are very rude.... or both. Things to do, things do say, this is the Mop-Up, so expect to see the word "gay".
We'll start some BIG openers with some BIG plugs.... in fact, I'll start off with those.
This week's And Another Thing is a nifty little essay on the new toy that's been dropped in Shane McMahon’s lap. It's got a little twist at the end that makes you wonder just what the subject of the column was REALLY about. Hey, you know it's good, so why don't you give it a whirl
ALSO this week.... FINALLY.... the DEBUT of my BRAND NEW MOP-UP. It has NOTHING to do with Wrestling at all. I won't tell you what it's about.... you'll just have to check it out. I know everyone will give it one glance, enemies and supporters alike, just to see what I'm up to. Hell, I'm not even going to link it. So HA!!! The truth is, you will either like it, or not care.... depending on your feelings on the subject matter. Or you may love the subject and not like it at all. I never know with you kids. Either way, it's ongoing.... unless it really tanks out.
This week's Closer is about Porn movies. No, it has NOTHING to do with the sluts.... it's something funny I noticed during those RARE RARERARERARERARE times I order up Spice. I made a game out of it too. I think you'll get a kick out of it. Not to sound like a douche, but even I laughed at my own creations.
Okay, I'll throw in a plug for the Slash site here. I might ask why the Pooh Jew would add ANOTHER RAW recapper in there when he obviously has the two best in the bizness on the site already. I might also ask why he would let a total tool author the third recap, but I don't question his motives.
Big, hypocritical props go to the Janitor and the kids at href="http://www.a1wrestling.com/">A1wrestling. Too bad I don't plug YOUR site anymore, huh? I've seen those Fernstown numbers. Less than 700 people last week.... heh. Pretty weak.
My friend, the Scots has something really unique cooking. He is creating an interactive game about a kid's first day at school where the player decided how he survives it. Yes, just like you, my first instinct was to go Columbine within the first 5 minutes and turn it into a game of Quake. The Scots used to write for the Uncensored board and has a fairly sick mind, creative, but sick. Plus, he promised that I'll be a part of the game.... so I'm MORE than happy to give him a chance to explain what he's doing better than I ever could. Click here to see what's going on in his little head.... no, not there,HERE!.
Okay, moving on. Concerning Survivor, I've heard rumors from people who seem to be in the know that Elisabeth will take it all. The only way I see this happening is if everyone realizes that Colby has been playing a brilliant game and vote him off quick. Just my own feeling. But Elisabeth winning would definitely be an upset.... and it would mean that TWO Rhode Islanders have won. I really have to make a tape and give it a shot. Can you imagine watching ME on Survivor? Can you imagine the size of my HEAD should I WIN???
Anywhoo.... for some reason, even though I mostly rag on them and haven't done an Edge for a WHILE now.... I'm still associated with Rantsylvania. The amount of my sucking factor is still a fairly big topic on their message board.... I've even been included in a parody of the site (but dude, I thought you NEVER read me? Liar!). So I've been asked to comment on why every time people go to RS they get my old friend Sean Shannon's personal woe-is-me site. Plus, RS now is depending on Luke Johnston's site to get the word out, so obviously, most of the audience is clueless (heh heee). So, here it is.... in a nutshell.... from what I've gathered....
Sean Shannon left RS because he wasn't being worshipped as much as he would've liked. In other words, even hanging tight with Scott Keith didn't get him the adoration he so desperately wants (think, "I just want to be LOVED, is that so wrong?") So he bailed out on RS. He handed almost everything to Scott "Mr. Personality" Keith, including a stack of bills. He started his own website, bad poetry and a horrible short story that is almost a direct rip-off of The Blair Witch Project. He also does the occasional Journal.... which is both entertaining AND depressing as hell at the same time. Much like a chick, Sean loves to whine and complain and moan and talk about how tough HIS life has been. Oh, and he's also exhibiting every single quality of a closeted, confused homosexual, he just won't admit it to his reader, or himself. Anyway, Sean has constantly stated that he's through with the Wrestling game and has asked to be left alone. Which he was, I guess. I stopped talking about him, sort of.
Well, it seems that Sean still owned the NAME of the RS site.... so one day early this week, or late last week, he decided to make it so everyone who clicks to RS would go directly to his site. I'm not sure as to WHY.... but it's either because Jeremy Botter (RS webmaster) had a mean thing to say about him, or because Keith announced a big re-launch/re-name of the site... or Hell, maybe it's because I said last week that myself and Redwing Keene would rape Scaia's ass with a blowtorch at his Grandfather's place, where he says he was raped, and make him watch. Who knows. He did it, and that's that.
Botter called up Sean's house.... and spoke to Sean's father. He fumed, yelled, and berated the actions of his son. The father sighed deeply.... started to openly weep to Botter about what a disappointment his son is and how they should have gone through with the abortion.... and said he would handle it. He made Sean APOLOGIZE to Botter for his stunt.
Oh, did I mention that Sean is 25? Maybe even 26 by now? When you were 25, did YOU still do what daddy told you to do? Especially something as silly as that? Or do you PLAN on it when you REACH 25? Hell, do you still plan on living at home when you hit 25? I got out when I was 24.... so I just made it under the wire of respectability.
RS was back for a while, but as of Tuesday evening, it was still leapfrogging over to Sean's site. RS now has a new home, and a new name. It's a silly, silly name.... really bad. They COULD have asked for my input and I would have come up with something cool.... but Keith can't stand me. For no real reason, actually.... he just does, and this dislike came LOOOONG before I even knew who he was, so it can't be because of the AmIHotOrNot thing that I hyperlinked.
Anyway, the whole crew at Rantsylvania (and I do this without being asked, just to see if I'll get thanked) can now be found at www.thesmarks.com. Yes, they are the Smarks. Yeah, I know.
As for Sean.... well, Sean likes to go on a message board called "Z-TV" or something and in his profile, he checks off "Female".... I kid you not. He's not joking, either.... he really pretends to be a girl. I would LOVE to get my hands on some cybersex transcripts he may be having with other men. Sean keeps saying that he wants no part of his old life, but then does stuff like this. I'm sure Sean realizes that his only audience is his old audience, as we are the only people who would find him interesting. I'm also sure that he just wanted to say F-You to everyone one last time before they kill off the last bit of association they have with him. After this thing is cleared up, he's officially out of the loop.
You know what, Scott Keith deserves it. He hooked up with the kid (kid? Grown Up ADULT).... even though he must have KNOWN Sean was a whacko. He could have done just fine with Wrestleline and all that. He partnered up with the dude.... he should have known better. The guy's a major headcase.... one that I had great fun in breaking down. But I can't be blamed entirely, neither can anyone else who tormented him.... he was always a time bomb. I just helped light the fuse.
And yes, I know.... IF he's reading this, he's probably loving it. He'll take any kind of attention.
So, am I supposed to take credit for destroying RS and making them relaunch the site or something? I don't know. Some moron on the message forum thought for SURE that I would. I'm not even sure why my name was even brought up. Just another loser with a hardon for me. No wonder I'm such a Mark for myself.
There you go. Finally, I'd like to turn a quick attention to my own site and congratulate Chris Williams on his recent marriage. Yep, Chris Williams, not even 20 years old, decided that he knows enough about life and assumes that he won't do any better than what he has and married himself off. Yeah, there's a marriage that'll last. Real stability there. A regular Homeo and Douchyette. Did Chris ever tell you WHY he was expelled from High School a couple of years ago? Well, because he brought a gun to school and planned on doing some Columbine action.... yes indeed. Only, the kid f-ed that up and got caught.... so he spent his last two years being home schooled, so you KNOW he's qualified for life. I am telling NO lies here. I just hope the wifey keeps the trailer clean and dinner on the table by the time "CW" gets home.... or else *BANG. Yeah, congrats kid.... keep f-ing with me. You want to play? I'll play. Keep thinking you can handle me. The last guy who tried is still trying to cover his sorry ass from the kicking I gave it (no, no, it was just an EDITORIAL!! I NEVER said, "It's ON!"). Just stop licking my balls on AOLIM. If you're going to bust my balls in your pointless columns (which seems to be evolving into a retarded version of "And Another Thing"), don't do an about-face and suck them when we're talking one on one. Now go cry to Ashish and Widro. Just try not to take it out on Mrs. Williams.
Annnnd I'm clear. Another week, another round of punkouts. I'm sure you're sick of them, I'm not. They make me feel like a MAN!!! Well, not really.... but you could have always scrolled down, you know! So there!
Okay dokay.... let's get to work. Caps to re and all that....
RAW IS WAR (or: Meet the NEXT HB.... ooops, maybe not)
-WWF: One World. Someone tell that to the people of Cincinnati. (you know, if Dr. Johnny FEVER was still on air.... or Venus Flytrap.... that would have NEVER happened!! Oh. Less Nessman would have been strung up by his gonads, but he would have LIKED IT!!!)
-Last Thursday, Hunter H Helmsley gave Jeff Hardy a rub and dropped the IC title too him. As a consolation prize, Lita gave Matt Hardy her butt. Oh the Boyz were smiling THAT night!!!
-The rematch is TONIGHT!!!! Why does HHH even care about the IC belt?
-opening theme. The BEST thing they can possibly do is have WCW take over RAW for a night and have the credits changed accordingly.... that'll juice up interest for the dreadful 11 p.m. Saturday slot.
-oh, and have Shane's takeover extend to the first ever WCW card held at Madison Square Garden! That'll get the Marks squawking.
-Fans, fireworks, sadly, the two never met. A little rocket shooting into some hick's gut would've been COOL!!!
-BRIEF GLIMPSE of a sign that reads, "MANCOW 3:16". Yeah, he was thrown off of Rhode Island radio.... FOR THE SECOND TIME! Plus, he didn't heat up Boston radio either, so out he went. Can't get a foothold in New England, can ya'? Mueller?
-IF HE'S SO GREAT, WHY ISN'T HE IN NEW YORK??? HUH?? WHY ISN'T HE IN LOS ANGELES???? WHY IS HE STUCK IN THESE MID-LEVEL MARKETS??? WHY HASN'T THE MAGIC HAPPENED FOR THE GREAT MANCOW YET??
-How does anyone stand him? And what kind of stupid ass name is "Mancow" anyway? That's almost as lame as "NoSoul"
-They are at the University of Tennessee, so most of the date rapes occur between siblings!
-I've said it once, I'll keep on saying it whenever they play at a College.... hey guys, if she's out cold and you're horny.... grab her head by the hair, nod it up and down, BOOM.... she just said "yes, I want sex now". Free pickin's.
-Jim Ross brightly introduces himself and Paul Heyman to the crowd at home, (that means YOU, spanky) and to the worldwide audience. Except for the poor tribe in Kenya who lost their cable reception thanks to a herd of stampeding elephants. DAMN IT ROSS, AFRICA IS PART OF THE WORLD TOO, YOU KNOW!!!!
-WWF New York is alive and on FIRE!!! Plenty of "gifts" have been paid to the Fire Marshal so that there will be no interruption of business.
-Mr. Vincent K. (Oh why won't you WATCH the damn XFL games???) McMahon comes out. BIG sign held PROUDLY by a fan that reads, "MCMAHON 3:16: I WANT A DIVORCE" It's depressing to see just how PROUD the owner is of that sign. I wonder if he saw the 900 OTHER SIGNS AROUND THE BUILDING THAT SAID THE EXACT SAME THING??????
-Vince grabs the mic and asks, "Can you believe it?" (What? That all signs point to Jesus being a black guy? No, I canNOT.... he is WHITE!!! WHITER THAN A DAMN VAMPIRE!!!! HE JUST HAD A REALLY GOOD SUNTAN!!!!)
-Vince says that one week ago, he was there "in this very ring" (the Hell was he doing in Tennessee when the show was in Boston?)
-Crowd chants "ASSHOLE".... Ross says that many feel it is an appropriate name for him.
-Oh come on Vince.... for old times sake, just bark a nice, "SHUT UP" at them. It's been too long.
-Or, if he had any grapefruits, he'd say, "Be nice, or you won't get an XFL franchise!" just to see how loud the crowd would laugh.
-It was a week ago when him... HIM.... Vince McMahon was on his VERY knees.... in THIS VERY RING! (Again, WHY was in Tennessee last week and WHY was he on his.... knees.... say, where IS Patterson anyway?)
-actually, he was talking about last week when Linda asked him for a divorce. I'm quite sure you know this. I'm quite sure you think I'm an idiot. I like to call myself a "repressed genius". No one else calls me this.... many laugh at the very thought. But I'll get them.... I'll get them ALL BACK!!
-Vince has thoughts on the "sacred institute of marriage" and would like to share his thoughts. (Rule 1,2,3,4,5,and 6.... shut up and make her sign the friggin' Prenup, dummy! That's half of everything you'll ever EARN!! HALF OF A BUCK IS ONLY 50 CENTS!!! YOU REALLY WANT TO WORK A JOB THAT WHERE YOU KEEP 50 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR????)
-Vince does NOT believe in Divorce. Divorce should be unlawful! Divorce should be illegal! Half of the world's problems stem from DIVORCE!!!! (I KNEW AIDS was started by a pissed off bitch!!!)
-Cincy rioted because of a DIVORCE?
-Vince wanted us to think of the HARDSHIP of divorce.... the HEARTACHE.... I WOULD advise Chris Williams to take notes, but OOOPS, too late.... nitwit.
-Think of the effect of the divorce on the CHILDREN!!! (all I know is that as soon as my folks got divorced, my butt stopped bleeding)
-For the guys, think of how Divorce makes you divide your assets!! (YEAH!!!! LIKE I SAID!!! $500 A WEEK BECOMES $250 JUST LIKE THAT!!!)
-So, therefore, Vince pointed out that Linda was at home watching this (which means that the entire segment was just to tell us that Linda would not be on the show tonight).... then he said that he has news for her.... news that she won't want to hear.
-SO STRONG does Vince believe in the sacred institute of marriage, and since SO MANY of the fans look to Vince McMahon as a role model. (and why not? Look at what he's done! Now look at what you've done. That's right, loser.... you've done NOTHING!!!)
-For that sake.... Vince will NOT grant Linda a Divorce.... he's going to FIGHT and make WHATEVER SACRIFICE it takes to make their marriage WORK!!!!
-Suddenly, JEFF JARRETT'S MUSIC CAME ON!!! JEFF JARRETT'S BACK?!?!?!? MY GOD!!! WHAT A WEIRD ANGLE TO INCLUDE HIM IN!!
-Oh wait.... it was just Debra. F-You, you thought it was Jarrett at first, too.
-I love it when these guys talk to themselves off mic. Case in point, as Debra made her way down, Vince clearly mouthed, "WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?? DEBRA???"
-Debra hit the ring and grabbed a mic. She was going to speak for the SISTERS!!!!
-oh Lord, memories of the annoying WCW chick in the beauty pageant suit are flooding back, hard.
-Debra told "Mistah McMayhon, Ah do not buleeve a single word yoo jus' sayed!" (double snaps.... you GO GIRL!)
-She continued, "Because Ah'll tell yoo one thing, one t'ing Ah doo know. Y'all have had a negative impact on mah huzben!" (Hmm, I thought Owen handled all of Austin's negative impacts?)
-Vince countered, "WHOOO WHOA WHOA!! WHOA!!!" Vince said NOT to blame HIM for Stone Cold Steve's actions as of late (um Vince? Stone Cold STEVE??? Are we going back to the cartoon 80's again?). This is all STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN'S IDEA!! (ah, good cover-up)
-Vince told her not to blame him for ANYTHING involving Austin. Beating the Rock and sending him away forever. For hooking up with Triple H. It was NOT HIS IDEA!!! (He was about to hook Austin up with a puppet named, "Stoney".... that was HIS post-WM idea for the future!)
-Vince glared at JR as he reminded us of the beating Austin gave him. Camera shot down on JR's "stone cold" face. The man does know the art of SALESMANSHIP, don't he?
-Vince can't even be blamed for what Austin did to Lita last week. That was an inter-gender match!
-No, Vince can't be blamed. But he DID admit to being proud of him.... because now.... FINALLY.... the REAL Steve Austin has shown up!!! (yeah? SO WHERE'S THE "HOLLYWOOD & VINE"???? WHERE'S "THAT'S A WRAP"? WHERE'S THE REVERSE FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK???? WHERE'S ALL THOSE COOL, QUIRKY MOVES THAT HE USED IN WCW???)
-Yes, Vince said that Austin was now a GREAT MAN. Then he looked at Debra and said, that of course, behind every great man there was a great woman.
-Debra smiled brightly.... hey, Steve didn't marry her for her brains, you know.
-Vince finished, "but I guess you're the exception to the RULE!!!"
-Debra turned sideways in disgust, waited a few moments.... then said, "Yeah, I do blame Steve.... but I blame you too", and with that, she WHACKED Vince right across the face.
-Vince, and this was hilarious-dopey, but hilarious, staggered.... did a stutter step.... hung his mouth ajar.... and basically did a gosh darn good impression of John Ritter during his pratfall heyday. I half expected him to scream, "CHRISSSSSSYYYYYYY". The key was watching the hair SHIVER in reaction.... every strand vibrating.... HAW!!!
-Debra stalked off.... Vince did his well-honed "sneer" (at this point, he should trademark it and charge every actor in the world a couple of bucks for using it)
-Tonight, Kurt Angle slinks back to mid-card mode with a big match against Chris Jericho. I don't know if I'd pay to see Jericho job to Austin.... but I'd DEFINTELY look forward to Jericho starting up with HHH again!
-Just as Vince looked like he was about to give JR an earful.... we break off to some...
-commercials. "The Forsaken" Another Vampire flick. Haven't they all been told already?
-No, they haven't. There's one more. It's one about Vampires taking over the whole planet and Humans are treated like cattle, because their flesh and blood are a delicacy.... and the women are breeders, who give birth to children who grow up human until they turn 24, then they have their "Birthday" celebration and are turned into a vampire. A small band of renegade humans work underground to stop them..... and it turns out that the lead Vampire is actually the AntiChrist and at the end, Jesus Christ himself returns and kills all the Vampires in the world in a glorious bath of light.... reverting all the vamps into human. Sort of a reversal of the whole "Sacrifice himself for our sins" deal. How about THAT tale? Yeah, I know.... I'm brilliant.
-now, if only I can keep the story from looking like a rip-off of The Matrix and I'll be sitting pretty.
-AND DON'T STEAL IT, YOU A-HOLES!!!! I'M TRUSTING YOU HERE!!!
-We are LIVE in Tennessee.... where it's a balmy 51 degrees. It's April and there are still Blizzards raging from Colorado up into the Great Lakes region.... Jeezum H Criminy, the whole planet's gone loco.
-Backstage, Vince gets to his car.... takes a moment.... breathes deeply, and barks, "WOMEN!!!" then gets in. The car takes off. Honestly, it's all a very funny skit.
-Austin makes his wife sit in a chair and BERATES her ass. I'm sure Chris Williams needs NO encouragement to grab a pen and paper now!! (poor, poor girl)
-Hey, he wanted to start with me.
-Austin tells the wife to NOT leave THAT spot until he comes and GETS her! She quietly agrees. (now THAT'S well trained! I bet he has her pooping on laid out newspaper!)
-Edge and Christian come to the ring.... Edge ducks out to give Heyman and sheet of paper. Paul takes it and shoos the camera away. Then he starts sending coded messages to someone. I've watched this three times, and still am overwhelmed with a sense of apathy.
-Christian is wearing those silly "over the head" sunglasses.... (yeah, you want to emulate Konan.... that's the ticket). But, unlike the bald idiot, Christian at least wears them OVER his winter cap, so it's SOMEWHAT workable.
-The Hollys come out en masse. E&C; (I swear they've taken to calling themselves that because of me.... as I sink further and further into self-aggrandizement.... much to my own shock, I spelled the word perfectly on the first try. Ironically, announcing this helps me sink even further) leave the ring so the Hollys can have their moment.
-Rhyno comes out of nowhere and DRILLS Hardcore right THROUGH the goddam ring.... no, not really, but symbolically.
-Rhyno leaves. E dives right on Holly. He kicks out. We STILL get a match.
-Hardcore fights back, but backs into a "Scorpion Death Drop" on the Knee... non-pushed prick STILL kicked out.
-Ross pushed Heyman on what was on the piece of paper. I was hoping for a good joke about ECW's bankruptcy outta Jimbo.... but it never came.
-Heyman said that not only are Edge and Christian tag team champions, but they are also very handsome men as well! Ross complimented the "astute observation"
-Heyman, "Thank you, I get paid very well to read... err... point these things out!"
-Ross, "Very VIABLE information for all of our viewers!" (HAW!!! ZINGER!!!)
-Lawler would NEVER have declared ANY male as "damn good looking".... dammit
-Holly took a BIG beating.... finally, he tags in Crash (ah aaaaaaah)
-Crash cleans up, dropping Christian with an "Acid Drop" (HEY!!!! SPIKE JUST JOINED THE COMPANY, FOR GOD'S SAKES!!!!! GIVE THE LITTLE PRICK A BREAK!!!
-Edge spears Crash. Molly hits the top rope and flips herself into Edge. The muff went right into his face.
-Things degenerated into a brawl.... Crash climbed the top-rope and it Edge with a cross body-block (wow, old school!). Edge reversed momentum and pinned Crash. A handful of tights sealed the deal. Titles were retained.
-You know.... except for the Ref and the Rhyno cameo, every person involved in this match had blonde hair? The Mop-Up: Redefining Pointless Observations.
-The Hardyz were in the building. They were ambushed by Michael Cole. Thus, three of the goofiest hairstyles in the business appeared on camera together. Too bad Kwee Wee wasn't there.
-Cole ignored Marty.... I mean Matt and went straight for Jeff. He showed the world why they NEVER get any real mic time.
-commercials. Bad Ass gimmick be damned.... the frozen image of Kane chasing the guy who made fun of his scooter his HILARIOUS!!!
-Here's a little ironic reality check for ya'.... if you actually NEED to worry about using "1-800-Collect" to save a buck or two.... then you are WAAAAAY out of Alyssa Milano's league.
-Shane McMahon pulls up in a Limo with "WCW 1" for plates! I would have gone with "Bischwho?" myself.
-Of course, I don't think question marks are even allowed in license plates.
-Justin Credible comes out with X-Pac and Albert for a little solo fight with Buh Buh Ray. Uncle Cracker's theme song is used. I'm sorry, but that mellow, dippy single of his that all the stations are playing is so LAME!
-BIG sign shown that says "WASSUP". Okay, you WERE "Sup", so who are you NOW, Beotch?
-Oh God.... I am like.... SO sorry.
-Buh Buh goes on the attack.... this is for REVENGE!!! REVENGE AGAINST L'IL SPIKE!!! WHO WAS VICTIMIZED BY X-FACTOR LAST WEEK!!!!! (something tells me the words "L'il Spike" and "victimized" and "revenge" will be used a lot from here on out)
-X-Pac dropped Buh Buh's throat against the ropes. D-Von ran to attack him. Pac ducked. D-Von turned around and tried again. He ran right into a big Albert boot. Methinks that if they held this show in Cincinnati, D-Von would end up with the world championship.
-Justin works on Buh Buh.... big sign in the second row that reads, "MATT: I MADE IT!" (oh, I hope.... nay, I PRAY that Matt is too busy nailing that loser's WIFE at the time)
-Heyman reminds Ross that Credible is a former ECW champ. Ross sniffs that that's almost as relevant as some recapper proclaiming himself the "King of the Internet" (HEY!!! FAT ASS!!!)
-Credible tries for a second rope ax handle.... but dives right into a NICE 3D
-Albert distracts the Ref. X-Pac runs in and kicks Buh Buh. Credible drapes an arm over his chest. Buh Buh STILL kicks out.
-BIG sign held up saying, "MARK WYATT". Thanks dude.... but my name is CHRIS.... and it's and "H", not a "W"..... and there's an "E" at the end! BUT THANK YOU FOR THE PROPS!!! BOOYAAAAA!
-I know you all won't believe this but.... I do NOT swallow my own bullshwa, I swear.
-Albert's distraction backfires as it allows the Dudley's to do the Flying Headbutt into the balls thing. The pin follows. Buh Buh wins. SPIKE IS AVENGED!!!! UNTIL NEXT WEEK!!! OR THURSDAY!!!
-Shane O'Mac runs into Brian Christopher.... who manages to rhyme "Vinnie Mac" with "Booya Attack" and "Major Sack" (oh I think I'm gonna yack!).
-Shane responded by rhyming "WCW is sublime" with "just a matter of time" and "I'll drop you a dime". (This really should be a crime)
-The Big Show shows up and pleads with Shane to watch him destroy Kai Entai later tonight. Shane said that he was just there to goof on his father, but since Vince hightailed it out of there, he's going back to the Hotel. TBS BEGGED him to stay and watch. Shane said he'll watch it at the Hotel room. TBS was cool with that. Shane left. That was the last we see of Shane McMahon tonight.... which means the only reason he even showed up was to get the "Rhymin' Brian" gimmick off and running. (Jesus H....)
-and by all means, GET THE BIG SHOW'S ASS BACK TO WCW AS FAST AS YOU CAN, SHANE!!!!!
-Michael Cole was waiting to talk to Steve Austin.... well.... Michael Cole was waiting to be yelled at by Steve Austin.
-commercials. You have just one more week before NBC starts pretending like it never even heard of the XFL.
-The Coach talks to Steven Richards. Stevie Cool says that the RTC is as strong as ever, no matter WHAT people THINK they saw on TV. I have no idea what he is talking about. Nor do I care.
-He DID say that he will be challenging Kane for the Hardcore title all by his lonesome.
-I still say Richards looks just like Vince Russo with jaw surgery.
-Kurt Angle rags on William Regal to Edge and Christian, unaware that his lordship was standing right next to him. Regal was in Commissioner mode wearing nothing but tights and boots.... imagine, if the Boy Scouts went the other way, every single den meeting would look something like this.
-Regal asked Angle if he would step into his orifice.... Angle screamed, "HECK NO!!" Regal pardoned himself and said "Office".... Angle agreed. Christian mock sneezed something about "tea" and "urine".... Angle advised Christian to have that looked after. E & C burst out into giggles.... God, how many shows have these two saved?
-Cole talked to Austin. Well, Austin yelled and Cole tried like hell NOT to wipe the spittle spray off his face.
-Suddenly, Matt Hardy DOVE into Austin and attacked. Officials broke it up. Austin was PISSED!!! Well, he's ALWAYS pissed, but this time, he was REALLY pissed.
-well, he's ALWAYS really pissed.... but this time he was BIBLICALLY pissed!!! If he farted, Locusts would shoot out!
-commercials. Spot for A Knight's Tale.... aka "We saw the numbers for Gladiator last year and thought 'F-it'"
-spot for The Mommy Returns. The question is, is it the chunky brunette or the pudgy blonde? And why did they break up the team? (Hmm, not sure of the obscurity level here)
-by the way, if you have NOT seen Bedazzled yet.... then DON'T!!! Worst movie ever made.... I PRAY Satan has a special corner in Hell for the geniuses who thought to soften his evilness.
-Triple H and Stephanie watched the replay of the Hardy attack on Stone Cold. Stone Cold barged into their room and DEMANDED that he and HHH go after their asses. HHH talked him out of it, coming up with a cerebral plan of his own. All this is secondary to the fact that Stephanie has re-discovered the joy of the WONDERBRA!!!
-Steven Richards comes out for the Hardcore title match.
-Kane saunters out. Calm as can be.
-He enters the ring. Stevie bangs him with a trash can. Kane no-sold it (meaning, he laughed it off, then lectured Stevie on how every person who ever works for his site ends up the better writer for it)
-Things quickly spilled out of the ring, and into the back.
-Richards is getting punked about. They go deeper into the bowels of the arena....
-Suddenly, the rest of the RTC come out and attack Kane en masse. IT'S AN AMBUSH!!! AN AMBUSH!!!
-Suddenly, a SEMI TRUCK PULLS UP!!! THE DOOR OPENS!!!
-Out steps GREG EVIGAN!!!! AND A CHIMPANZEE NAMED "BEAR"!!!! PLACES NEW AND LADIES DO.... HE'S BEE JAY MCKAY AND THIS IS HIS BEST FRIEND BEAR!!!!!! (HA!!! Obscure mostly because most of you whippersnappers weren't even BORN yet!!! And those who were will be too embarrassed to call me out on it!!!)
-THER UNDERTAKER STEPS OUT!!! (whoa, good luck driving THAT bad boy down the ramp! What will his new theme song be? the Grateful Dead's Truckin'?). The UT takes his SWEET ASS TIME strolling over to save his brother. Stopping to tie his shoe, even.
-Eventually.... house is cleaned and Steven is propelled into a wall, headfirst. He’s pinned quite easily, afterwards
-UT crouches down and advises Richards to quit worrying about fighting the good fight and start thinking about finding a good woman. (Why? So he can have her named tattooed across his neck like a LEASH??????)
-Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho are both WALKING!!! (Bro', it's old.... and this is coming from the friggin' LORD of Recycled Material)
-Jesus.... I have some nerve.
-commercials
-Austin bursts in on Debra and came THIS close to smacking her for leaving her seat. Realizing that the camera was on them, he just told her to grab her suitcase because they were bailing out of this show.
-Kurt Angle comes out. The second hour arrives.
-Kurt grabs a mic.... and says "Your Olympic Hero...." then was cut off by....
-Jericho's theme. Y2J comes out with a mic and says "Unless you were going to finish that sentence with 'is an utter and complete assclown'. Then Junior, you have nothing else to say, so please.... PU-LEAZE.... SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
-I'd like to point out that the audience humiliated themselves by screaming "SHUT THE HELL UP" during Jericho's second "PU-LEAZE".... then stopping themselves cold mid-way through. Once again, the gospel according to Felix Unger rings true.... "When you 'ASSUME', you make an 'ASS' out of 'YOU' and 'ME'."
-Jericho charges and the match is on.
-early on, it's a CLINIC!!! Highlighted by Jericho's now famous grunts. "HAAARGH!!!" "MUUWUUUGH".
-Angle ends up on the outside. He eats a baseball slide.
-Angle snags the ring bell and nailed Jericho in the gut. Then he bounces Jericho's head off the announce table. Heyman cracked me up by saying, "HEY!! LEAVE THIS TABLE ALONE, WE DON'T SPEAK SPANISH!!!"
-Angle works on the kid. Hitting him with a nice belly to belly suplex, among other things.
-REAR CHINLOCK BY ANGLE!!!! MY GOD, THE DRAMA!!!!
-Two minutes later.... REAR CHINLOCK BY ANGLE!!!! MY GOD, THE BOREDOM!!!
-Angle goes for a German Dragon Fly suplex.... Jericho hooks his legs around Angle's and turns it into a Victory Roll. Alas, there was no Victory to be rolled (ugh, horrible, absolutely horrible).
-Flying Bulldog!!!
-Jericho goes for the Springsault Moonboard (it's my column I'll call it whatever I f-ing want to), Angle rolls away. Jericho lands gracefully on his feet.
-Angle walks away, having quite enough of this. Jericho chases him and catches him.
-Regal runs out and attacks. Jericho fights back and goes for the Walls of Jericho. Angle gets into it. Jericho fights him. Double teaming ensues. Bells ring.
-Jericho is treated to a Regal Stretch AND an Ankle Lock.
-Chris Benoit runs out and cleans house. Leading us straight into some more...
-commercials
-during the break, Benoit was helping Jericho out of the ring. From the fires of warfare, there is borne the fruit FRIENDSHIP!!! (there's a douchechill moment for ya)
-Regal was on the mic and ANGRILY demanded that "Sunshine" (Chris Benoit) get his "miserable" (Canadian) "carcass" (buffed body) down there (self-explanatory) RIGHT NOW (prontisimo).
-Benoit came oot with Jericho behind him. This ancillary extension of the previous exhibition embarked post haste! (Suddenly, I have this overwhelming urge to put my bird in the Crossface chickenwing, then stare at my hands like a homo.)
-Benoit quickly hit the Flying Headbutt.... well, "hit" is a relative term, because the only thing he hit was the damn mat.
-Angle went to work.... applying the Sit-down Abdominal Stretch. (Which is JUST as lame as the stand-up Abdominal Stretch. Oooh, ooh, the pain!! I can't just bend forward and... squirm.... out.... like.... someone.... with half'a.... brain!!
-You know what sucks about working all night on this column? Well, other than the fact that it takes me all night to come up with this weak ass crap? It's that I SWEAR I can hear noises coming from behind my kitchen cabinets and drawers. And I am such a friggin' CHICK whenever I see a rodent. Oh, I am on the chair and shrieking just like a dickless wonder.
-Heyman marvels at Regal's use of the Ab Stretch. Asking Ross if he's EVER seen anyone in the WWF use the move so effectively. Ross claims to have seen Mick Foley use it once or twice. Poor Scott Hall was totally ignored.
-This longish match wrapped up with the Crossface. Everyone who was a Christless Canadian shook hands and complimented each other.
-XFL update.... heh.
-Hey, it’s been a while. Why don’t we all get together and enjoy a little taste of a ripped off bit called.... CARNAC!
-And now, ladies and gentlemen.... it’s time for another visit from a Traveler from the East. The All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Mystic, Sage, Soothsayer, and personal fluffer for Midean the Streaker. Please welcome.... CARNAC: THE INOPERABLE!!!
-Thank you, thank you WHOOPS!! *fwip.... crash*
-Carnac, Carnac!!! Are you all right?
-I’m fine! Let us please get a move on!
-Very good, Oh Gregarious One. I hold in my hand, three envelopes. A child of four can see that they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar in Randy Savage’s latest stripper conquest’s purse since noon today. NO ONE knows the contents within but YOU, with your skill, your ability, and your amazing sense of deduction shall ANNOUNCE what is in the envelopes before EVEN opening them!!! ARE YOU READY, CARNAC??
-I am ready. I must have ABSOLUTE SILENCE!!
-Often times, Carnac gets it.
-Because often times, I do this bit in his Nitro recap.
-YOU.... are CORRECT.... SIR!
-The first envelope
-THE FIRST ENVELOPE!!! Hermetically sealed.... in the purse of Savage’s latest stripper booty.
-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*.... Kindling wood!
-KINDLING WOOD
-Kindling wood
-KINDLING..... WOOD
-*rip.... poof*
-What’s the only reason to buy The Buzz On Professional Wrestling?
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HIYOOOOO
-May your girlfriend call you "CRZ" during sex!
-HOOOOOOOOOOO
-The second envelope
-The SECOND ENVELOPE
-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*.... Canadian Pussy!
-CANADIAN PUSSY!!!!
*rip.... poof*
-Define “redundant”
-HOOO HOOO HOOOO HOOO HEEE HEEE HEEE HEEE HIYOOOOO
-Thank you, Thank you.
-I hold in my hand the LAST envelope.
-Deafening audience applause
-May Triple H pleasure both your wife and daughter with his nose AND his penis
-May Luke Johnston invite you to chat with his friends
-May you find out your only son runs around the Internet calling himself “Little Miss Rebel”
-May people think Bruce Mitchell is the funniest man online
-*Carnac places envelope to forehead*.... Passed the buck
-PASS THE BUCK!
-*rip.... poof*
-What did Stephanie McMahon do after she ate an entire deer?
-BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HEEYOOOOOOO
-May your opponent pussy out of a fight just as it was getting interesting.
-May Chris Williams be a part of your site.
-May your “boss” re-name your site “Thesmarks”
-May web guys come to you for advice on how to pick up girls! (don't worry kids, your secret's safe with me!)
-May you be ballsy enough to actually pretend to know how!
-May Greg Dillard ask you to co-host an Internet Radio show with him.
-YOU ARE WISE, OH GREAT ONE!!!
-THANK YOU!!! I AM CARNAC!!!
-THE GREAT CARNAC!!! FAREWELL!!! OH GREAT ONE!
-There you go. A little inside, but funny.
-Raven says that it will be both his pleasure and his torment to tag with Test and Billy Gunn. I assume that the pleasure part comes from tagging with Test and the torment part.... well.... connect the dots and figure it out, numbnuts.
-commercials
-TNN crows that it is now the 7th most watched Cable basic cable network in the world. That's just as silly as me declaring myself the winner of al these dumb ass feuds.
-I'd like to take a moment to say that the RAMONES SUCKED and just because Joey died does NOT CHANGE THE FACT!!!
-AND LENNON WAS OVERRATED TOO!!!
-The Hardyz decide that Hunter can be beat just as soundly on Monday as he could on Thursday. Lita steps in and demands to be a part of the match.
-The team of Raven, Test, and Billy Gunn upset the Radicalz when Raven pins one of them. Few workers in the bizness experience the peaks of a huge push and the valleys of a no push as dramatically as Eddie Guerrero. Somewhere within that jumble of words, lies a thoughtful observation.
-TBS tells Kevin Kelly that Kai Entai are about to learn just WHAT "evil" really is. (Jeeze, getting a pair of A-Bombs dumped on their asses sort of did the trick already, didn't it?)
-commercials
-Video featuring the Undertaker and Kane set to the tune of Marilyn Manson's "Holy Wood". Somehow, I get the feeling Marilyn's vision for the song had less to do with rasslin' and more to do with the whacky combination of Priests and Playgrounds.
-Cool song tho'.... maybe it's time to retire "Rollin'" and get this baby in?
-TBS came out.
-Michinoku and Funaki come out. In their faux dubbing, TAKA announces that TBS actually stumbled into a well designed TRAP.... a well designed EVIL trap funded by cold, hard cash!
-"Indeed"
-Out come the APA.... who softened TBS up a bit.... BIG Clothesline from Hell.
-They split.... Kai & Tie run out to wrap it up. If TBS jobs out to these boys, I really might break down and cry. Really!
-Kai(1616) & Tai mount the same top rope and leap off at the same.... sorry....AT THE SAME TIME... (got to sell the drama)
-They land right into a double chokeslam and a double pin. All I can say is WHEW!
-commercials
-Trish Stratus is at WWF New York and is woefully OVERdressed. You really care about what she has to say?
-Last Thursday.... Amber was voted off the island.... what the Hell else is there to watch?
-The main event participants were walking.
-REGAL steps in on the Hardy and tells "Sunshine" Matt that the only ring HE'LL be near tonight is when Patterson summons him to his Hotel room. (the horror.... the horror)
-commercials
-Ross sells the "Big Game At The End". Heyman helps, but is visibly sickened doing so.
-The Game comes out with the Wife.
-The Hardy comes out with... oh I can't think of anything.... just Lita, dammit.
-HHH goes right to work. DRILLING his shoulder deep into Hardyz gullet
-HHH tries for a pin after a standing kneedrop. Jeff kicks out.
-Jeff fights back. HHH ain't playing salesman tonight.
-HHH goes for a pin. Hardy kicks out. HHH angrily tries it again. Hardy angrily kicks out again.
-ABDOMINAL STRETCH!!!! AGAIN???? JEEZE!!!
-Lita gets HHH's attention. Stephanie comes over and tries to slap her. Lita blocks it. Steph runs. Lita runs after her. Actually, she skips after her. No doubt to give the fans a little bounce action.
-HHH dumps Hardy outside. Somehow, Jeff gets his hands on the IC belt and uses it to whack HHH across the mush. HHH topples over the Announcers. Ross hauls his ass out of the way.
-HHH staggers around the table, leaning on Heyman's bent over back. I SWEAR I saw Heyman start to WIGGLE.... a little. Ew Ick.
-HHH eats steel and table before getting tossed back in.
-BIG Missile dropkick. HHH took it right on the chest.
-Hardy tried for the Corkscrew Moonsault. HHH isn't anywhere near the landing zone.
-Hardy with the Swanton Bomb. HHH rolls out.
-Meanwhile, Stone Cold returns to chair the beejeezus out of Matt, who was watching the monitor
-Lita sees this on the Titan-Tron, decides that Matt needs her more than Jeff at the moment, and takes off.
-Out comes Austin. Lita visibly mouths the word, "F**K"
-Austin stalks the girl back down the ramp. Remember when he first started using the "Stone Cold" gimmick? Remember how he made his eyes so damn SCARY??? Well, he's got THAT mojo working once more. VERY creepy stuff.
-Meanwhile, HHH won the match and regained the IC title.... and the CAMERAS TOTALLY MISSED IT. (Whew.... I can't remember ever seeing such a blown spot).
-BUT.... UNLIKE Nitro, which never caught the hang of using back-up footage, RAW had one camera stay on things and we got to see the pin on instant replay. Easy Pedigree, clean pin.
-Jeff was double teamed. Austin took off his belt and strapped his ass.
-Matt ran out. It became a replay from last week.
-Lita was tossed in. The Heels cornered her. Things were about to get ugly when....
-The lights dimmed.... a bell rang.
-Freddie Durst blared.
-The corners exploded. Austin screamed, "WHAT THE DING DONG BLAZES???" (well, no he didn't.... the F-word was involved.... but wouldn't it have been hilarious if he DID scream, "WHAT THE DING DONG BLAZES"?)
-Kane and the Undertaker walked out and walked down the ring.... casually.... UT's no dummy, he sees how awkward these kids look when they run down the ring while simultaneously pumping their arms and putting on the brakes.... he'd rather look cool and take his time then look like a dork and haul ass.
-Austin and HHH get ready. IT'S GONNA BE A MAJOR BROHA....
-Austin and HHH bail out just as the Dead Men entered. Austin decided to take off his shirt.... with his cut-off jeans, he looks eerily like Justin Credible. (I smell a LONG LOST BROTHER ANGLE COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-The show ends with the four men facing off.
So.... in all reality.... this whole two week Hardy/IC title upset/major elevation angle was just a roundabout way to set up the Backlash tag team main event? That's the impression I'm getting out of this.
Eh, the show wasn't good. Just an average outing. Unlike other web guys who can find the negatives in just about everything and are always quick to cry doom and predict the death of the business thanks to apathy, I'll just assume that they are still getting their post-WM storylines together and will zoom back to more intense efforts in a couple of weeks.... maybe months.
You stayed with me for this long, might as well dig into the Closer.
So, there I was enjoying a night of Spice TV because there's nothing like watered down porn for 8 hours straight, and I noticed something funny. You know about the silly names these stars give themselves.... "Serenity", "Sindee Cox", "Anne Malle", "Maya Divine", "Colt Steele", "Michael J Cox".... yeah, all ridiculous...
But did you ever notice that even the CREW MEMBERS have stupid names? Okay, so maybe they don't want their REAL names pasted on the end credits, for all the perverts in the world to see.... but why not then just call yourself "John Smith", or "Harry Jones" or something benign? No, they go right into the spirit of things and give themselves retarded names just like the performers. Who knows, maybe they they are really porn stars themselves and it's tough to find a good Gaffer in hollywood with a normal name who will work in the F***Fest business? It's a secret little world they've got there.... just like Rasslin'.
In any case.... I jotted down the funnier names for you to get a load of (bad pun.... sorry). I've also made up some names of my own. See if you can tell the difference. If you guess them all right, you get NOTHING.
Gaffer: James Nono
Still Photography: Deno
Key Grip: Poke Heman
Boom Mic: David Dicklovley
Best Boy: Beast Boy
Art Director: Markku
Video Tech: Jace Rocker
Lightening: Marco Pole-O
Production Assistant: Bob Rydher
Sound/Boom: Dog House
Male Actor's Fluffer Boy: Christopher Robin Scaia
Female Actor's Fluffer Boy: Chris F-ing Hyatte (damn straight!)
Electrician: Malcolm Stains
Second Cameraman: James Bond
Second Cameraman: Ralph Parfait
Hermaphrodite's Fluffer Boy: Dusty Sean: the Fat, Bitter Ohion
Props Manager: Catherine Zeta Bones
Wardrobe: Frankie Sin Atra
Assistant to the Director: Peppermint Styx
Sound Engineer: Oyuno Uwantit
Make-Up: Gerri P.G.I.
Music: Terri Stoneman
Towel Boy: Eric Suckrockscoxski
Make-Up: Red Velvet
Clean up: Remy "The Slammer" Artiega
Edited by: Diego Scuzzi
Lubricant supplied by: Murtz Staffer
What a weird weird business the porn scene is.
What a weird, weird business *I'M in, for crying out loud.
You've had enough of me. Big week all around. I've said enough.
Oh, one last thing... FUNNY THING I HEARD ON TV LAST WEEK!
From the Princess Bride on Cinemax, Saturday afternoon.
Montoya: "Give me the gate key!"
Gatekeeper: "I don't have any gate key."
Montoya: "Fezzic, tear his arms off his body."
Gatekeeper: "Oh, you mean this gate key."
Deadpan doesn't translate well on text, but I laughed. That's all that matters.
Go see the NEW Mop-Up.... I KNOW you're curious.
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